Hi everyone! It’s been a minute. I have to apologize for the lack of posts on my behalf but to be completely honest, I utterly and embarrassingly lacked inspiration which led me to refuse to make time to write. So lesson #1 make time for the things that matter…which writing does…matter…a lot to me in fact. So lesson #2 regardless of the fact that I am furiously typing this in my notes app on the Astoria/Ditmars bound W train on the way home from work, writing should thus be made time for because action leads to inspiration and me writing this with my fingers on the train is inspiring…kind of. (I also apologize for that horrific run on sentence but I guess I’m rusty).
Well, hi, I have a lot I want to write about and I think
I just realized that as I write this sentence.
First, a little bit about me. I got off the ship and moved back to New York at the end of September. To be utterly and embarrassingly honest again, the transition was harder than I anticipated. A lot had changed since I was in the city last. Thankfully, my friends were still my friends but even they commented on a difference in my demeanor. The ship and all that happened on it changed me more than I cared to admit. For one, I was in a long distance relationship with my love who was still on the ship, I had to start from square one in the audition scene again, my savings account was not as booming I guess I could say as it once had been on the cruise (thanks Mickey Mouse)…basically the whole post-grad life crisis you go through following college graduation – yeah I think I skipped that post-grad and found myself in a year and a half post-grad crisis. Crisis is a bit dramatic – it wasn’t a crisis – more of a few moments of doubt. But thats okay cause here I am still doing the damn thing! I found my groove again shortly after which is why I’m back writing this. Enjoy!
#1 This is an apology from the girl who claimed you had to choose between love and a career
I know cliche as hell, right? Maybe I never said those exact words but I did turn down my fair share of experiences, opportunities, or chances due to this stupid belief I had that I was an actor and therefore didn’t deserve to date anyone or be loved because there was always a chance I would leave.
Well, let me tell you…I walked off that ship with half of my heart still on board but something told me the other half was never going to be broken again. All I had to do was accept the love I was given. Leaving didn’t matter. If it is right and real and raw, leaving does not matter. It sucks and long distance relationships are stupid hard and suck and suck again but this belief I had in my head that I couldn’t be with anyone was wrong. Dead wrong. We let go due to a few things. Fear. Or a subconscious knowledge that it isn’t right and up until then, it wasn’t right.
People will tell you..if it’s right, it will work out…if it’s meant to be, it will be…and yes that is true to an extent but the part they don’t tell you is that it also takes a lot of WORK. Sure if it is the right person, it is meant to be…but if it is the right person you will both also want to put in a fair share of work to make it work. I had been in relationships where it felt okay but one of us gave up or stopped fighting to keep it alive so it stopped. If it is right and if both of you are truly right for each other, it will never feel like work to keep going because you will want it to always keep going.
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#2 Kindness goes a lot farther than we think it does
Kindness and simple manners have seemed to become obsolete. It is rare that people even acknowledge each other’s humanity let alone show them kindness. Sure, there are exceptions obviously and not everyone in this world is evil and spiteful but I am constantly amazed by the way I see people speak to one another. When I was a little girl, my mama always told me it wasn’t what I said but the tone in which I said it. That’s true for little girls learning manners and true for the young generation of New York City as well. Having a bad day, feeling superior to others, feeling as though you are someone special or rich never gives you an excuse to be unkind. I am embarrassed by the way people think it is ok to speak to their servers, receptionists, cashiers, or simply their coworkers and even friends. One of these days I am going to have enough courage to ask them if they hear how rude they sound when they open their mouths? Because maybe I am doing something wrong. Maybe I missed the memo that we, as humans, are no longer kind to each other, that every sentence you hear must be met with coldness or rudeness. It takes effort to be rude but it is easy to be kind, not to mention it is also extremely unattractive. What we must strive for is to be better, kinder, overall happier to be alive and share moments of life with each other. Because my dears, life is already hard enough without adding that BS to it.
#3 It’s okay to not want to do something
That ties into the whole ‘self-care’ mantra millennials have developed. Self-care is a necessity but sometimes means you have to learn to say no and learn to not feel guilty about it. I’m still trying to learn this because I still feel insanely guilty when the only reason I don’t want to meet up with friends or go do something is that I’m tired and no longer have the mental capacity to socialize. How do you tell people that? I’m not sure. I’ve started to embrace my introvert more and more – I think she was always there but was scared to break free from the high energy always-on actor persona so many actors have. Yes that is definitely a part of my personality I will always have but it takes a lot of energy for me to be around people, especially people who might not be the closest friends so need more outgoing, bubbly, conversation. But that’s okay. It is okay to say no. It is okay to cherish the friendships that equally make time for you back and cut out the ones that maybe you were latching on to just have.
#4 Hi influencers stop writing Instagram captions about how Instagram makes you insecure and is a highlight reel, etc
…especially when it’s the caption to a perfectly ‘candid’ photo of you hanging out a 1950s style car wearing clothes you got for free and carrying roses your Instagram husband ‘bought’ for you after your glorious fabulous brunch in your Maldives paid for vacation hut with complementary gluten free toilet paper.
I promise that whole paragraph was written tongue in cheek in a very trying to be funny way…not attacking at all! I promise! I’m just trying to reinforce my point so bear with me. People’s entire job now consists of doing cooler things, traveling to cooler places, wearing cooler clothes than you and taking cool photos of it to make you want the same…I think? Is that the point cause truly I don’t know…once again…not attacking…just truly wondering. It’s a marketing tool. So let’s admit it for what it is, admit it might affect our psyche just a little bit and move on. The thing that makes me laugh though is how all of us plebeians with less than 10k followers know (or should know) it is a highlight reel and that this is all fake and posed yet we still love when they post how social media makes them insecure too?? We eat it up. It’s like wow you’re so brave to tell me to not to let YOUR posts make me feel insecure…just admit you live a badass life and move on. Sometimes sitting in the rain without an umbrella waiting for a delayed train next to a smelly trashcan makes me want the life I see people living on instagram but once again, how you let it define your worth is up to you and my advice: don’t let it define your worth cause who has time? But that is beside the point. The point is: this is a funny time we live in – a time where there are pictures of people’s instagram posts next to my desk at work so I know who they are and that they get everything for free – a time where everyone is going to have a creak in their neck from riding the entirety of their commute with their head buried in their phone…but hey! here we are…it’s probably not going to change which is fine because then Black Mirror will always have subject matter for new episodes.
#5 Who you are is enough, no exceptions
This is something we hear all the time but is so hard to grasp. I’ve spent the last month performing in the show In the Heights which has been an absolute dream of mine ever since I saw it for many reasons. I’ve written about this before but once I hit puberty and developed boobs and hips bigger than those of some of my friends, I was ashamed. Ballet became something I felt I could no longer do…I taped my boobs down in shows because all the ballerinas I saw on tv and on stage didn’t have bodies like me. I was told to love my features but I only hated them. My mom took me to ASU Gammage countless times as a kid to see the various National tours passing through Phoenix. This was the first time I heard of In the Heights. The first thing I said when the lights came up at intermission was, “Mom those dancers have big thighs and hips like me”. In all the shows we had watched, I had only ever seen the tall skinny women of the chorus. For the first time, it was ok to be who I was because I saw women who looked like me, listening to music I liked, on stage doing what I wanted to do. As time went on of course, horrible thoughts crept back up into my head. I stopped wanting people to know my full name, only Maggie. In college, I was constantly told I was too “Spanish”? to be certain roles by peers… but then was also told I wasn’t Latina enough for certain things by others? I was told to “play up” the fact that I was half Spanish by professors…meaning wear red, hoop earrings…and be sexy…and shake your hips. Because that’s not a complete stereotype in itself *eye roll*…and when in fact, I also happen to be half white. I will never forget a “big important person” came to my school to help the seniors and when I told her I am a conversational Spanish speaker but not completely fluent she said…”I could slap you. What are you even doing then? You better speak Spanish.” She was of no Spanish descent. I’ve been called ‘fake Spanish’, but also ‘ethnic Belle’, I’ve been told I’ve only received roles or been kept at auditions because I’m half Spanish not because of my talent, all these things that contradicted each other and made me feel like I had to pick or categorize myself between the two and I could never just be who I am: a combination of a lot of things. I felt like I couldn’t be who I was. People made me feel like my story wasn’t good enough to share because it didn’t fit in one box. You don’t have to fit in one box. We are comprised of so much it’s impossible to categorize yourself that way. Then I met my cast of In the Heights. The day before we opened we sat around and shared our stories of why this show is so important to us and by damn, my story was enough. Our stories were enough. All of us had been through, felt similar if not the same feelings about ourselves. In that moment I realized that we are together, one family comprised of ‘hundreds of stories’ to share. It probably won’t be the last time that someone makes me feel like I have to be a certain way…I mean look at this career I’ve chosen…but it is the last time I let them make me feel that way. Our stories are beautiful and different and dynamic and real. You do not have to fit into the box of who people think you are or think you should be. I am proud to be half Spanish and half all those other things I am. I am just as you should be proud of whoever you are! At the end of the day, we are worth more than what we are made out to be by someone who literally doesn’t freaking matter. Thank you to my beautiful cast for letting me be me for the first time in a really long time.
Overall, moving back was hard, transitioning was hard but I’m happy to be back where I belong with new and old friends. The greatest way to figure things out is to just do it. I’ve found new passions, new friends, spent the rest of my 23rd year of life doing what I love to do in the city that inspired so much of it.
xoxo
Mags
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