I've found I get quite introspective around the holiday season...anyone else? I went for a walk this morning and all I could think about was how much my life has changed in the last year, it's like I blinked and suddenly I'm somewhere I never thought I would be. Don't get me wrong, this is not a bad thing. If you've read previous posts then you'll know I accept that my life, or life in general, always comes with a lot of change, and I'd like to think I've always welcomed it willingly.
It's been a little over a year since we left New York, the only home I've known as an adult on my own and where I pursued acting for almost five years. We are going on our second Christmas in Arizona and first in our new house with our new puppies after losing our sweet Nelson in June.
I'm still finding my footing here, which sounds silly knowing I grew up here but how do we truly 'come home' when home has changed and we have changed? Not only do I miss my life in New York as it was, but I find myself missing who I was there. My task this morning on my walk was to lay out what I miss and don't miss to see if I can 'come home' to myself or at least make 'home' more attainable in this new space. This is what I will be sharing today.
Things I miss about NYC
....and no, not just the food but oh god I miss the food....
Feeling like I'm a Part of Something
If you've been to New York, or honestly any big city, you'll feel energy immediately upon leaving your front door. You're confronted with different faces, foods, music, languages... You all walk together, eat next to each other, commute together...everyone is on their own path...but together. There's some sort of unspoken community where you feel part of a whole.
Fulfilling an "American dream"
I grew up in the theatre world where New York is painted as the holy land for any and all artists whether it be in movies or songs. To see people's faces light up when I said I would move there or was living there...it was as if it were a personality trait. More on that later.
Working Towards My "Purpose"
I woke up in the morning with the knowledge that whatever hardships I faced, were in the spirit of my dream. I spent afternoons folding rich Upper East Side moms' laundry and nights bringing overpriced bottle service to tourists knowing it was ok because this was my dream and I was working towards something bigger...what I thought was my purpose. If you've watched that Pixar movie Soul (lol Disney), I think it paints a perfect picture of what life's "purpose" really is. More on that later too.
Walking with my Thoughts
I miss walking everywhere. I felt like I was my best self when I spent so much time moving, listening to music or podcasts I enjoy and seeing new things everyday. As I write this, I'm transported back to those thousands steps up the 59th street subway station or the screaming train as I walk home in the snow...somehow I still enjoyed it.
Confronting Emotions Head-on
It is insurmountable the number of times I left my house feeling fine to return home feeling like I had been punched in the face and hit by a bus. Everyday was different and came with different challenges I was forced to deal with. You can't escape yourself or your feelings in a big city. I learned quickly how I dealt with stress and what my triggers were. If anything, I grew from girl to woman and that's a change I am so grateful for.
Things I don't miss...
Never sitting still long enough to deal with my needs
Working three jobs, waking up at 4am to audition, trying to maintain a social life, singing at bars to feel creative, trying to work out, growing my relationship with Marc....how on earth could I ever make time to sit with my own thoughts or try and name what needs of mine weren't being met when I was so busy?! Our society idolizes hustle culture and the 'busy' of it all. If you aren't busy, you aren't doing enough. It's almost as if they're trying to distract us from ourselves and our true thoughts by keeping us occupied all day with other things. If the pandemic did one good thing, it was pressing pause on my busy and allowing me to actually see what I needed mentally, what I lacked and how to get there.
Living in a constant state of panic because you're running out of time
Whether it was a 25 minute delay underground on the train or a 19 year old Youtuber making her Broadway debut in a show I had auditioned for millions of times at the age of 26, I lived in constant awareness of time. I've never questioned or been scared of my own mortality, believe it or not. I did, however, feel like I was running late to my own party at all times when I lived there. I think I ran down the street to make it somewhere on time more often than not.
*Money*
Ok this may piggyback off of the never sitting still part but money basically became that horror movie alien monster that keeps growing larger and larger the more you try to kill it. It became my every second or third thought so much so that I spent more time calculating my expenses and income for the month on the train that I missed out on reading my books or listening to my podcasts like I used to enjoy for a little peace. I reached a point where I physically could not deal with what I was being offered for work and didn't see how I could live my dream in NYC where the average rent is $2k without missing out on all the things that make everyday life enjoyable...like food and an occasional TJ Maxx candle or date night. Whether this change came with time, myself seeing my worth, or my art's worth for that matter, but I couldn't let this monster, control me anymore.
Now that we've gotten through the list I made on my walk today, I'll say this: I put so much pressure on New York to fulfill me and make me happy not realizing that it's just a place and I should fulfill my happiness myself.
By naming our needs out loud, I realized we can create and nurture the same type of energy and community in any new space or city. Whether that be taking daily walks, doing something that fulfills you creatively every day or not being afraid to confront negative feelings or any feeling head on, by finding your joy internally, you can find joy in the external.
I'm not missing a place, I'm missing the comfortability and freedom I found while there. Maybe I can find these feelings anywhere, maybe everything I had loved there was actually shallow while my insides were shaking and unhappy...maybe a place can't even actually make you happy, no matter where you move, because it matters more what's joy lies inside.
If you've made it this far, I appreciate you. Cheers to working on ourselves everyday, making lists on our morning walks, finding joy in the mundane and thriving.
xoxo
Mags
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