This isn't about grief. I'm not ready to write anything about that yet. This is about continuing my self discovery and self love journey in spite of grief, or rather, perseverance through grief. I've found these ways helpful while avoiding taking too many step backs in my journey that I relapse into all that I've worked so hard to overcome. Inner work is no picnic in the park. The best we can do is continue on, ask questions and find a bit of joy even on the hard days. Enjoy! xoxo
1. Examine each thought as it passes through you
We were driving home from Prescott and I saw a truck drive past carrying a side by side. All of a sudden, I have a vision of myself driving the side by side, going too fast, tipping over and empaling myself with a fallen branch. I had to laugh because what started as a thought, 'oh those side by sides look so fun' turned into an anxiety fueled nightmare in a matter of seconds. Anyone else struggle with catastrophising (and yes that's the actual term) otherwise calm situations? This is obviously caused by my anxiety, need to be in control in order to protect myself and prior situations where an unexpected outcome caught me off guard. What this laughable thought taught me was to try to see emotions as separate and temporary. Examine thoughts as they come through your mind and see anxiety as a condition of your brain, not your true identity. I'm okay catastrophising random situations as long as I can see it for what it is and find space to at least laugh a little bit.
2. Figure out How to 'Blow the Stink Off'
My mom used to always say that when I was growing up - go blow the stink off. I feel like I fully understand what she meant now as an adult. You know those days when you just feel blehhh, dragged down, slightly grumpy, anxious or a mix of everything....that's the stink. I've found that most stink can be cured by drinking a glass of water, going for a
walk or bike ride, jumping in the pool, reading a book or watching a funny video. It might be different for each person but I feel instantly lighter after going outside. We must protect our joy from the stink or else it will drag us deeper and deeper until we're lost.
3. Love yourself enough to deal with your ugly
I had a therapist awhile back who was amazingly, brutally honest, which is a quality I tend to admire in people. They helped me through my struggle with comparison and guilt which was a feat to master in a NYC actor. One day, I was explaining how proud I was for overcoming a feeling of worthlessness I had earlier that day and they said, "Well you think those things because you hate yourself." I laughed in the moment but thought, 'I hate myself?'. That's not true. I'm paying a lot of money for this therapy, spend a lot of time re-examining all I've been taught about who I am and reading countless hours of psychoanalytical literature.... all done out of LOVE for myself. I love myself for who I am and who I want to be. The pain of self reflection and inner work is paved by self love. Don't go into therapy or self work thinking it's because there is something wrong with you or that you hate yourself and need to change, go into it knowing the decision to work on yourself stems from love, from knowing you want more out of this life. Love yourself enough to go through that pain, the work and know it's worth it.
4. Don't base your identity off of someone's opinion of you
We all know by now how much our childhood impacts the way we form as adults. Has anyone else believed a truth about yourself that when you deeply think about, actually originated from someone else's opinion of you? For example, I distinctly remember being told by a classmate that I was too blunt for their liking and rarely showed emotion (LOL)....anyways, I went on to think that was truth. "Well, I can't see myself as a third party observer, so if they're making this observation, it must be fact." Now that I've done so much digging into why I believe certain things about myself, my truth is actually the complete opposite. Others see us through their own lenses. We are the only ones who have full access to who we are. If we live our life based on who others believe we are, is it even our life we're living?
5. Pain = being human
I said this isn't about grief and it still isn't but, I've discovered that pain must equate with the human experience. From pain, comes joy but at any point in our life, we will experience pain. A loss, a breakup, physical or mental, change, etc. What comforts me is knowing this is what keeps us connected to each other. I see sadness in others' eyes and they most likely see it in mine. There is beauty in knowing we all have experienced loss in one way or another, therefore empathy should come naturally and empathy is how we build a kinder, more thoughtful and loving world.
If you made it this far, I appreciate you! xoxo
Mags
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