I do this thing where I get really inspired and write pages and pages in my journal of phrases I think up or short anecdotes from my life that pop in my mind. Well, I decided to share. This is #1 of I'm sure many posts where I simply type out the pages and pages of my journal, dreams, anecdotes for your reading pleasure (with grammatical edits and sentence structure of course). I’m sure there will be more because I never stop talking, writing or reading. So here you are! Welcome to a little slice of my soul!
I remember listening to a guest artist speak during my freshmen year at my university. This day has been engrained in my mind since then and I truly do think about it often. Someone asked him how his family reacted to his success and as he began to speak, he teared up. He explained how he’s missed quite a few christmases. He fought through his tears to explain that while his family is together on Christmas or thanksgiving, he is making other families happy by working. It was a simple answer. But it’s stuck with me. He didn’t need to explain the other sacrifices that he has made, personal relationships missed, family time missed, consistency he's missed because in that one sentence, “I miss a lot of Christmases”, I got it. My 18 year old brain saw the raw, real, mental, physical, emotional sacrifice one gives over to this life…but I knew that one day I wanted to be the guest artist sitting there explaining how many Christmases I had missed…because underneath those tears there was the most organic type of love I had ever seen someone have for their chosen career. Because it’s so stupid how worth it it is.
“My heart swings back and forth between longing for consistency and wanting to run”
So…Hey! This is all of me. I haven't had a permanent home in the last five-ish years. I can fit all of my possessions in three suitcases. I say goodbye more times than I think my heart can handle, but it always seems to persevere. Airport terminals have consistently seen me at either the beginning or end of an adventure and TSA agents have probably seen me more vulnerable than most people. It’s freaking hard. I long for consistency…but my first true great love was the stage. I mean, my first kiss was a stage kiss (I used to be embarrassed about that in high school but now I’m proud.) I think about the stage and suddenly the sacrifices weigh less on my heart. The goodbyes sting milder. It has always been and always will be my consistency. I never thought it was possible to love or feel this much yet here I am. The stage has shown me a love that I didn’t even think existed.
“When we love, we strive to become better than we are. When we strive to become better than we are, everything around us becomes better too.” - Paulo Coehlo, The Alchemist
And the thing is: I have the best job in the whole world. Every time I become a part of a new cast or meet other actors, there is an unspoken familial bond that forms. I have family everywhere I look…not just friends, straight up OHANA. We not only see each other buck naked quick changing backstage which yes, definitely bonds you to a certain degree but we see each other. All of each other. We know the deepest parts of each others’ hearts because we all have something very similar pulling each of our heart strings. In a career that has absolutely no job security or set plan, the only thing we can hold onto as a floatation device (no ship pun intended) is each other.
Tangent: During a Q&A I participated in last week on the ship, someone asked us, “Since you are away for 8 months at a time working and then constantly leaving after that as well, how do you make it work with your significant other or spouse?”. I immediately wished I could pull out a bottle of cabernet from my purse and start pouring myself a glass and respond with “When you figure out that answer, please let me know” but instead I let someone else answer and kept my mouth shut HAHAHAArt is what inspires us to be better. We see movies, paintings, hear songs, plays about love, loss, adventure, dreams. Art is man’s visceral tangible manifestation of their soul’s innermost wants. Art is what drives us to believe in true love, fight for your dreams, become better than we are. When we watch movies, hear songs, watch shows, look at a piece of artwork, we see someone else’s dream being realized thus inspiring us to make ours a reality. I mean, I don’t think we would know what a real romantic pursuit was if we had not heard a Shakespearean sonnet or (even as cheesy as it is), watched The Notebook. We would not understand loss before we experienced it ourselves if we did not read the words of authors around the world or listened to sad songs. We are able to connect via other people’s experience by hearing, watching or experiencing their art. It makes us feel. In a world so focused on hiding their feelings, proving they don’t care, ignoring any prospect of suffering, art enables us to just simply…feel. I think that is pretty cool.
“There is always more. More beauty to be seen, more places to travel, more love to earn, to exchange or withhold. To miss, always. I’m just getting started.”
I was lucky enough to be able to participate in a Q&A with some of the teens onboard the ship a few cruises ago. One of the girls who wanted to be an actress asked us what our biggest piece of advice for her would be. Instead of my cynical alter-ego coming out and saying simply “don’t”…I decided on this: Never ever give up the fight. It’s hard, it’s so hard. Some days you are going to feel so down and rejected your head will spin…rejected even when you actually have the job, feeling inferior or not worthy of the job, not just the rejection from not getting the job…but when you wake up the next morning to do it all again, that’s when you know you’re doing what you’re meant to. I always joke that I am waiting for the day when I wake up and all of a sudden feel the passion to be an accountant or lawyer so I can give up the hardship and rejection that is acting but instead, I wake up everyday and feel the fire inside to be an actor so that’s what I do. The fire you feel inside of you that is deep down in your subconscious on the days you want to give up, that fire is why you don’t. Because it is the best and most rewarding job in the world and it is worth every sacrifice I’ve had to make. One day you’re going to hear a yes, I promise. It might be a yes for something that was never even on your radar but it will happen because the universe gives back to those who persevere. We have the power to conspire with the universe to create our own fate so believe in your own power. It is actually beautifully tragically unbelievably crazy how strong our heart is; our heart can handle a lot more than we give it credit for I promise.
I’ll close with my favorite quote which I’ve put in at least four of my blog posts now but whatever, it’s the best.
(Also if you ever ask me for any advice on any topic whatsoever, I will most likely quote this at you. You've been warned.)
“Be brave enough to break your own heart.” - Cheryl Strayed
Don’t be afraid. Be brave.
xx
Mags
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