You spend 4+ years learning how to get the job but no one ever tells you what to do when you get the job, have to pack up your life and leave everything you know and love behind to do the job.
Ever since I began the theatrical journey I call my career, I have learned how to enter a room with the right-I’m confident and I don’t need this job but I want it enough that you should give it to me aura (yeah…you talk about that) and what 16 bars are different yet approachable yet stand out enough. Oh! And even how to say your name in the room so that it doesn’t sound fake or unimportant or like a question. (once again, yes…we talked about this in school). Basically, I learned everything I could learn about how to attempt and possibly fail but possibly succeed at getting a job.
Disclaimer: I’m speaking from a strictly theatre major right-brain fueled standpoint. I have no idea what goes on in the lecture halls of the business schools. Sorry.
1. Jump
me circa 2012 post-jump
I was sitting in the plane to Toronto looking out the window (it was sunset and a really cheesy upbeat song was playing…my hair looked fabulously voluminous…this is a joke). All of a sudden the memory of my trip to 27 charcos (waterfalls) in the Dominican Republic came to my mind. We had the choice of jumping off a 30 foot waterfall into the small pool below or hiking past the jump to the same pool. Standing up there, looking down 30 feet into the water was definitely an amazing sight but the moment that stuck with me was the moment my foot left the ground initiating my jump. Not the first second of the jump, not the feeling of flying as I fell into the water, not the adrenaline high as I reemerged from the pool…the moment I knew I did it, I had lifted one foot off the ground to jump and I couldn’t take it back.
We are faced with these moments. Moments where jumping, taking that chance seems life changing and bonkers. Theres a hint of danger, less impending broken legged doom and/or concussions, but danger none the less. Emotional danger…danger of being alone, danger of hating it…but there’s also the chance of loving it. Completely losing yourself in the journey only to reemerge from the pool lifted high by an amazing experience.
So really, your biggest danger is deciding not to jump because then you will spend the rest of your life wondering if it was ever actually dangerous to begin with.
2. “How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard” – Winnie the Pooh
Alright listen up Winnie the Pooh, no matter how many times I read that damn quote on someone’s instagram, it doesn’t stop the ugly tears from welling up and falling on my carry-on as I sit waiting for my flight from smelly La Guardia next to a Midwestern family on their way home from vacation talking about how dad got stuck in the subway on their way to see the Rockettes.
I mean, I am sure that if cavemen/nomads/hunter gatherers were truly just modern day humans with longer Tarzan hair, then I would assume they felt that burning ‘miss you’ feeling as we do too.
Unless you are heartless, there is always going to be someone or something that makes leaving hard. We create beautiful connections with people. Connections that at one point can no longer be tangible and when the cause of that is simply leaving, it hurts dude.
Find the good in goodbye every time…even though its actually so freaking hard. It’s a beautiful thing knowing you are loved even when you are saying goodbye for what feels like the millionth time. Every time I hug my grandparents, every time I wave to my family after I get past security at the airport (they wait for my wave every time – it is the cutest)…find the joy in those tears because how lovely is it to know you have people who love you, support you and cheer you on that are waiting on the other side of your journey.
just realized I’ve already made two disney references…whoops
3. Two steps back only to leap forward a few feet (meters in Canada)
I was homesick the other night. I was frustrated with the fact that I felt transported back to the 18 year old homesick, confused girl who moved away from home for the first time. What the heck am I doing. I didn’t feel this way when I moved after college. This is annoying. I don’t have time to feel this way. It’s distracting me from work. I’ve grown to love who I am and the person I’ve become…but now I’m reverting into the person I WAS.
Trust yourself to live the way you know best without thinking about it too hard. Trust that you know how to handle the situation. Trust that you’re going to be okay because your hardworking badass self will make sure you’re okay. Trust yourself because you know how to dry your tears, drink some coffee, slap a smile on, make new friends and go to work.
4. Color outside the lines of what you think life should be
A few weeks ago I applied for a higher credit card maximum because I was feeling responsible that day and those credit score commercials inspired me. It’s always an awkward thing explaining my profession and my income to the bank (thank god it wasn’t wells fargo, am i right?)…after getting my income ‘approved’, the woman emailed me and said “we need to know what you are planning on doing once this performance contract is up”…I replied without even thinking…
HAHA. SOS.
I understand that this career is a bit odd to most people. You do what all day? You live where? Or my favorite question: How long do you think you’ll do this whole audition in new york, acting thing? Um..probably same amount of time you’re going to be a lawyer or doctor or do whatever you want to do to make money…retirement?
Normal is subjective. In fact, normal isn’t really even achievable. Paths are different. It is ridiculous to try to compare the way you live your life to someone else. My ‘normal’ just happens to include traveling to places I’ve never been to sing and dance all day, FaceTime my mom and friends from afar only to go back to a consistent life to attempt at getting another job that makes me do the same thing all over again. Children never hesitate to color outside the lines. They make their own art, their own way without any apology. They are constantly learning, experiencing new things everyday…I mean they probably think we’re crazy when we try to get them to walk for the first time. Who says there is a set way to live your “normal”? Color outside the lines of what you grew up believing your life would be. Because I promise you…there’s some beautiful art out there to be found.
5. Alone is a place
Our subconscious mind is very powerful. Because our minds are still growing as children, we have less of a filter for what is true and untrue. The things we hear our parents, friends, tv shows say as children, are stored by our subconscious as truth. The trick is deciphering what our subconscious is causing and what your (sometimes) rational adult mind is able to see.
Therefore, our subconscious mind brings our biggest fears to life. The fear of being alone. The fear of change. It is instilled in us when we are young. Instead of embracing the change of being alone, we cower away from it because it is unfamiliar and uncomfortable. Being alone is a place. It feels like a place. Alone is a tangible visceral feeling that transports all of your senses into its grasp. Instead of getting caught in Alone-land like Beth got caught in the upside down in Stranger Things, make your own alone. Furnish your alone with a fierce purple bean bag chair and California king sized bed with Nutella covered pillows and Chris Pratt greeting you with a sensible Red-blend. Idk. Get rid of the constant nagging fear of being alone…because it’s okay…we are all alone at one point or many different points and its an exhilarating thing when you decide to simply bask in it.
6. Find simple things that can be consistent anywhere
I find myself typing the word consistent in this post more times than they say the words connection and vulnerable on the bachelor. Who wants to play a drinking game?
Consistency is hard to hold onto when once again this life usually isn’t. Find simple things that can bring you both consistency and joy as you adapt. I love taking walks and listening to music. Walking to class, walking to work, to the gym, to the subway…walking and listening to music is a habit that I realized I took for granted. It brings me so much joy to walk, listen to a new album or my favorite song and think. I realized it was something that could bring me consistency no matter where I went. I will always be able to walk and (thanks spotify premium) listen to music without wifi, data or needing anyone else.
Don’t let life take you on the ride, take your life by the cahones and run with it.
My final two thoughts are sponsored by How I Met Your Mother because that show is brilliant:
7. You will be shocked when you discover how easy it is in life to part ways with people forever. That’s why, when you find someone you want to keep around, you do something about it. – Ted Mosby
I don’t know what I would do without my friends. Also don’t know what I would do without FaceTime. Someday my friends, sister, brother will find a partner who loves them as much as I do and then and only then will I let said partner into our squad. ;D
I’ve written about this before but I want to write about it again because it is worth saying twice. Cherish those people who bring you joy. Tell your loved ones you love them every single day. Do something about it. It’s too easy to take for granted the light someone brings to your life. You will know and feel when you find those special people worth keeping around and when you do, don’t ever EVER let them go.
8. You can’t cling to the past, because no matter how tightly you hold on, it’s already gone. – Ted Mosby
In a world where we document every passing moment with photos, videos, boomerangs, etc…it’s easy to relive the past (like my favorite Black Mirror episode with the rewind contact lens things). In the chapter book of our life, we see the words in front of us yet only use them to make sense of the chapters before all while skipping ahead occasionally to try and read the last few sentences of the last chapter. This has been the hardest thing for me to embrace since I was 18 every time I moved. Yes the past is gone, but that doesn’t mean you should forget the beautiful chapter you just read. Remember that chapter while you dive into your next one. Don’t cling so tightly to the past that you fail to see what’s right in front of you. As Timon and Pumba say, ‘you gotta put your past behind you’.
Conclusion: This post took me awhile to write. It was hard to find time. It was hard to find the words. I’ve only just begun my adventure and I know I have so much more to figure out. Maybe some of these points will drop away, some could be elaborated on, others will help me or someone else when needed in the future. There are two opposing words that describe my feeling behind this post: hesitation and excitement. I am hesitant to embrace my new life, to accept leaving the past behind, to turn this new page. I am excited to see new things, continue to meet amazing friends (from all over the world), love, breathe, live, cry, laugh, hug Mickey Mouse as much as I want, feel inspired every time I wake up for work in the morning, that I am living what I set my heart to do.
What a beautiful screwed up confusing magical crazy life this is. Let’s make the most out of every stupidly fleeting moment.
Cheers!
Mags
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