So I started working on this post in the first week of quarantine, mid march-ish, and so much of it is already outdated. So this is me, April 24, hoping to write this as quickly as I can so that it doesn't become just as outdated in a week or so - crazy how fast things have changed and escalated since then.
I was laid off and the other job that I was supposed to start mid-March was postponed so I've joined the ranks of the millions of Americans unfortunately unemployed and the many artists not knowing when work will resume. With all this free time, I've been trying to get back in touch with things that the never ending hustle of NYC prevented me from doing and writing was definitely one of those things, the other things being sitting on my couch in silence?? and attempting to meditate? I don't know. Moving on.
I stopped blogging for awhile because 1. I got consumed with the hustle which I'll discuss shortly and 2. I noticed that our (my) generation has become consumed with over- sharing...as in sharing every single oat milk latte, workout, feeling, conversation with our therapist that we've ever had. This realization prompted me to journal and instead of blogging from that journal like I had in the past, I simply keep quiet and keep my thoughts inward. Truthfully this realization embarrassingly enough was #triggered by a scene in the Netflix show 'The Politician' (love it in all it's dramatic Ryan Murphy noir glory) when Gwyneth Paltrow tells Ben Platt, "your generation got the terrible idea that it was best to vomit every thought and feeling all over each other. It's a pandemic of over- communication that's led to an absence of intimacy." I admit that I didn't realize that the word pandemic was in that quote until I looked it up so I am sorry for that unfortunate pun.
Getting back to it. My first point snowballs off of this quote:
1) Why must we share everything we do, see, feel and think?
Probably the easiest answer is recognition, to be seen, but I think it's a bit deeper than that. Coming from a creative profession means that we are expected, encouraged and good at putting all of our emotions on view, empathizing to the highest degree. On top of that we live in the social media world where we see everything that anyone thinks, feels, does or at least all they WANT us to see. The problem is that this oversharing does nothing but limit the intimacy and privacy that is oh so precious.
No matter what we achieve or receive, there is always an undercurrent of yearning for more or for what is next. We share everything, we cling to material and earthly things even though they are not permanent. My point being that we cling to our own existence...not that we shouldn't fear death or prevent walking in front of a bus of course...but we cling so hard to our existence and how others perceive us despite how fleeting it is. This, I think, is why, especially in the age of social media, we feel a need to leave our mark, share every tiny thing we do throughout the day, matcha latte, vacation, a new partner...all of which I myself am guilty of and am in no way pointing fingers at another.
"Your generation got the terrible idea that it was best to vomit every thought and feeling all over each other. It’s a pandemic of over-communication that’s led to an absence of intimacy."
We cling so tightly to the way we want others to perceive us, our existence, making sure we affect the world in some way so as to extend our existence until after death. Not trying to be a downer because of course these things all have upsides but more focused on bringing awareness. Inspiring others through your thoughts and actions is one thing...I'm talking oversharing. I've been testing myself lately, asking myself: do I really need to share this with everyone or is this something I can keep to myself? Privacy is a beautiful thing to be treasured. Intimacy is a beautiful thing to be treasured. I want some of my thoughts, my realizations about myself and life, my feelings towards life, all to myself or else who are they for? Certain moments in my day, quiet conversations, my precious alone time where I get to read in the sunshine...all those moments were moments I wanted to keep to myself.
All that to explain why I hadn't blogged in awhile - I was figuring myself out, my voice, my thoughts, what I want to be, who I am by myself for awhile. 2) I used to complain about being too busy
You should have seen my google calendar even a month ago...full to the brim. I would schedule myself to the last minute, was constantly running five minutes behind on everything and rarely had a moment to spare even to sit on my couch and realize all that I had done that day. Hustling is what they call it, hustle culture or something like that. Of course I need to work so I can pay my stupidly high NYC rent, maintain a flexible job so I can audition and occasionally just peace out for a couple months to be a dancing napkin in small town Pennsylvania, take voice and dance lessons, therapy to combat the stress of it all and maintain my relationships with my partner and few friends. All things I THOUGHT were the reason for the hustle but it was really something more selfish in a way. It was actually one of the things that I wanted to work through when I initially started seeing my therapist...what was I running from by being so busy all the time? Why couldn't I stay still? Of course those are loaded questions and different for everyone but now with the world feeling like it's ending and myself sitting here with loads of free time, I've found being forced to be still maybe did a whole hell out a lot of good for me, I'm able to see how I react to this nothingness. The universe forced me to sit my ass down and take a breath.
3) Ok but meditation really is it
After 10 years of practicing yoga (crazy it's been that long, shout out to Sumits Yoga in AZ for taking 16 year old me in), I've been trying my hand at meditation thinking that it will be easy for me since I've been doing yoga for so long. HAHAHA wrong.. It's been painfully humbling in the best way. Not only have I had to tune out my own brain but also the many noises of NYC as well as my dog trying to play fetch whenever I sit down. Meditation really is all of the amazing things that everyone has been telling me for years and I never thought I would admit that. I've been able to deal with this unknown stress, anxiety, and all that other bs by finding a quiet calm. I'm able to get to the root of my truth. If we're going to lie to ourself about who we are then we will never find joy. I see my truth, I don't judge or shame myself for it but I listen, observe and see my truth.
4) Stop saying new normal
I hate that saying. This is not normal. This is our current reality and it will not be this way forever. We will not end up sitting in those floating chairs like in WALLE unable to look up from our screens and do nothing but rely on zoom and instagram. This is temporary. I don't think life will ever go back to the way it was but let's focus on how to make sure we're ok with how it transitions. Someone wise said "the less power we give to this current moment, the more likely we will be to move on from it." Stating this is our new normal gives this socially distant, high death rate, scared reality where we can't hug each other the power to stick around longer than it needs to. Instead let's focus on doing all we can to stay mentally okay, love each other from afar and daydream, plan, and envision what life will look like after this. We have the chance to have a springtime of sorts, to bloom, grow and create a new life, quieter mindset and joyful being. In my darkest moments of anger towards all that I can't control, I focus on how to heal myself so that when this is all done we can heal each other.
5) Stop letting your work define your worth
I've been dealing with a lot of inner demons this quarantine season. As I mentioned above, in my inability to sit still I've realized I've been misusing hustling as an escape from facing those demons. Now that it's just me, my journal, unemployment, my novice meditation practice and facetimes with my loved ones, I've been coming to terms with a lot of what I let define my worth for so long. I know for a fact I'm not the only actor who faces these same demons and if you're lucky enough to have figured this out for yourself already maybe skip this part. I'm speaking to you - this feeling of worthlessness when you're not performing or letting the only part of your identity be that you are a performer. We are so much more than just actors. We are sisters, brothers, children, partners, dog moms, we are not simply what we choose to do for a living yet we tie everything in our life to that. Do other careers have this issue? Genuinely want to know so hit me up you 9-5ers. We are allowed to have more than one passion, a co-existing career if you will, you are still worthy or considered an artist when you are not creating. Living is creating. We've been given the gift of down time between projects, something that the normal jobs lack. If we spend that time feeling worthless and only feeling worthy when we can say we're in a show or have a project, then where's the fun of doing something new after one contract is done? I guess I've realized that we are all creative, beautiful, artistic, loving humans and not just what work we do to pay the bills. See all the things that make you happy in your life and curate your worth and your joy off of all those aspects.
6) Be gentle to yourself
Our brain is currently using all its energy with the fight or flight mode turned on. In an unknown time such as this, our brain can't work as rationally as it normally does. It can't look long term because it is focused on survival in the short term. Give yourself grace and kindness during this time if you do not feel as motivated or creative as usual. The whole "wow so much free time I can write a play or a book or lose 15 pounds, etc" isn't accessible to everyone. If that's what you're doing, good on you, but I know most of us are finding out that productive doesn't always mean "get things done", it might mean find stillness and finding your center again. Be gentle to your brain and your body if it is not behaving as you are used to. Instead focus on the stillness.
I promise you we will get through this. I don't know what the other side looks like but this is not forever. I believe in all of us.
Til next time,
xoxo Mags
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