Well, I did it. I lived on a ship for six months and survived, dare I say, thrived? Truthfully, it’s a bit of an overwhelming culture shock-like sensation being back…not from the living on a ship part but from the being gone for so long part. I also do not think I have ever cried so much saying goodbye to this family that we have made. In the risk of babbling on and on about how amazing it was, I will simply cut to the ‘what I’ve learned’ part and hopefully it will explain itself…
Dedicated to my Fantasy family
(Disclaimer: I wrote some of this while finishing up my contract, some of this on the plane ride home and some of this in my new apartment in new york.)
Enjoy!
#1 Nostalgia tends to mask itself as love
Nostalgia is one of the most powerful sensations we can experience. Nostalgia does not need even an understanding of the past to thrive, it lives simply based on the feelings we used to feel, not currently feel, but ‘used’ to feel. Nostalgia rears it’s ugly head when the present isn’t going the way we would like it to. It has a way of egging us in the direction of longing, sadness and to our surprise, more frequently than not, love. Whether it be the love we felt for our past lifestyle, the love for another person, the love for who we used to be, for a chapter of our life that is closed…the second we feel inferior in our present, the past all of a sudden seems like unicorn filled flower bed of rainbows. The hard part is taking a step back and remembering the hard parts of the past that led you to this now present moment. Sure, we always want to remember the good things but the bad things were equally as important and vital to this path you’re on. Each day is new which means that we have had and currently have an unlimited number of decisions leading us towards certain people or paths, away from certain people or paths…and odds are, whatever decision you make will lead you to wherever you are supposed to be. The past, how it used to be, how good it felt, might seem comfortable, like love even, but it’s not. The past is the past for the simple reason that it has drifted up up and away so let it.
#2 False positivity is worse than honest negativity
I think I’ve realized that I would rather have someone honestly organically bitch about something that is bothering them than pretend that everything is peachy keen. I know it is necessary at times to slap on a smile and move on but dear god people, it’s okay to live in your negativity sometimes. If the movie Inside Out taught me anything (yes Disney), it’s that we need sadness in order to have happiness, meaning, do not say you are okay when you are actually not. I am lucky enough to have forged insanely close friendships with people here who can immediately tell when I walk in a room what my mood is. If I even attempt to lie and say ‘I’m fine’, they will ask again, ‘no you’re not, whats going on?’. Negativity is okay. It’s relatable. It’s actually what makes us all understand each other. If something sucks, say it sucks. We do not have to be Pollyanna at all times and find silver linings to every little bump in the road we encounter. Allow yourself to feel and forgive yourself if you want to be negative. (Of course, positivity is still beautiful and loving and caring and necessary when it’s necessary but you get the point).
#3 Time is the most precious thing you can give someone
Someone very important to me said that to me and it has stuck. Not only because my love language happens to be Quality Time but also because time has become one of the most important things in my life. And it’s so freaking fleeting. We spend our lives chasing the clock trying to make the most out of every single moment but also wishing time away so we can get to something better. Regardless of how you want to spend yours, choose to give your time to the people who matter. Moments are simply that, just moments…gone before we know it. I want to give my moments to the people who love me. To quote the new Beauty and the Beast movie, “How does a moment last forever? How does a story never die? It is love we must hold onto.” Love fuels all of our actions, passions, tears, so why shouldn’t we bestow the gift of our time on the ones who love us?
#4 It will be okay. Or it won’t. But either way, time goes on.
In August of 2016, I moved away from home to New York City and wrote a post about all that I’ve learned since graduating university. Looking back as I sit here on the plane back home on September 16th of 2017, I can honestly say that this has been one of the most challenging yet pivotal years in my life. I have not quite figured out if I personally have changed all that much (probably) or if I just simply got thrown a whole pile of shit that I had never had to handle before. There were moments this year, on the ship, off the ship, when I felt so small and broken I did not know how to think straight. There was a time when I was walking back to the ship and my knees almost buckled. As a matter of fact, some of my friends around me had similar years or just similar funks. What’s crazy about that is it meant we all went through it together. Sitting in the coffee shop putting back together our pieces one latte at a time, and ultimately one day just simply deciding to stop being sad. We were all sitting at dinner and in one of my most honest moments I’ve ever had, said to them, “we’re all just so…sad all the time. I don’t want to be sad anymore. I miss talking about real things not things we can’t change.” Sure, you can’t simply tell sadness to just disappear but realizing that time is flying by you regardless of whether or not you’re happy or sad or mad or whatever, is probably one of the most important things I’ve learned. It will be okay or it won’t be okay but regardless, it will keep going so you can choose to let it consume you or you can choose to run with it and figure it out along the way.
#5 No matter how much you try to figure yourself out and be comfortable in your own skin, there is always room for growth
I’m sure I am not alone in saying that my pride takes a hard hit when I feel myself being slapped into my old ways or find myself emotionally inept in certain situations. For example, I did not realize how much my past relationship really affected me until I started trying to form a new one. It has been years since it all happened but there are moments of anxiety, anger, fear, that I can only attribute to how I felt in my past and the anger I feel in failing to ever feel that way again. I refused to let myself feel weak again but for the first time, I decided to stop suppressing that anxiety and deal with it even if it meant hurting again. Without the love of the people around me, I would not have been able to learn to grow through those nightmares of mine. There is always room for growth in any aspect of your life even though it is so easy to simply settle. I think that is why sometimes the universe keeps throwing bad things, hard situations into your path until you finally admit: OK I GET IT I’LL LEARN TO GROW AGAIN. I have learned to look the universe square in the eye and brace myself for the impact of whatever is to come.
#7 There’s magic in the little moments so watch the damn sunset
It is always the small things that bring the most joy. Whether it be morning coffee, your favorite movie being on the crew content, when the crew mess has hummus, taking a nice nap, rain, a beautiful sunset yoga class…because love actually…is all around. Yes, I’m quoting my favorite christmas movie but who cares because it’s true and I love christmas. My best friend Rhina and I took an adventure to a bird aviary one day in Jamaica. As we were feeding these cute little yellow birds, the tour guide told us they were love birds. Rhina and I leaned down to the birds eating from our palms and whispered ‘love doesn’t exist’. From then on, it became a joke for us to always say love doesn’t exist. HAHA Well, we were wrong (obviously) because it does, which both of us surprisingly discovered first hand pretty shortly after that stint in Jamaica. There was one day where we just looked at each other and said ‘we should apologize to the love birds’. Love is all around. Not just romantic love. The love I found with my friends who then became my family. The love I felt watching my brother and sister walk onboard to sail with me. The love I felt watching little girls run up to the princesses while their parents smile and watch with light in their eyes. The love I felt when I said goodbye to the friends I’d made. The love that is constantly swirling around us because it’s magic. So sorry love birds, my bad, you were right, we were wrong…love exists and it’s freaking everywhere.
#8 Never stop learning
I took everyday as it came on the ship. Time is a weird thing there and moves very slowly to the point that one week feels like a month. It’s a pretty great excuse to make sure you learn something new everyday. But regardless of whether or not you have mountains and mountains of free time, it is so important to make sure you never give up on learning…and growing, and crying, and loving, and dancing, and smiling, and petting dogs, and laughing, and drinking margaritas, and eating chocolate, and caring for the people who matter the most. I guess that’s what I learned everyday. To just keep going. To keep fighting for your happiness and the love you deserve because it may be right in front of you the whole time or it might be on a ship in the middle of the ocean.
My (pretty long but worth reading) Conclusion:
I remember sitting on the train back to Astoria crying on the phone to my mom deciding whether or not to take this job. This job that tore me away from the life I was trying to build in a new place for almost a year. She told me “when else will you have an opportunity like this” and you know what, she was right. There are very few times in our lives when we get to take a jump and see what happens. Sure, I am not going to lie and tell you that it was easy. Yes, behind all of those pictures lounging on a beach with Mickey Mouse and a cocktail, were a lot of hard times too. Moments of doubt, moments of strength that I did not know I possessed, moments of longing. The beauty of living on a ship is you are forced to come face to face with your fears, your wants, your faults…because you have no choice but to confront everything that has ever scared you when you are living in a tiny cabin on the same floating vessel as 1500 other crew members in the middle of the ocean. I am still the same person I was when I left last December. A little more weathered but a whole hell of a lot stronger and with a lot more amazing people in my life. Friends all around the world that I can truly say I would do absolutely anything for (not kidding, when we all hang out, we represent 6 different countries). I sat and watched the sun set on the ocean, I rode horses in the sea, I zip lined through the greenery of Jamaica with my best friend, I drank too many margaritas, I cried to my friends in the crew mess, I read over 15 books, I learned something new everyday, I laughed so hard I peed in the dressing room, I sang When You Wish Upon a Star two times a week for a huge audience, my wig accidentally fell off in the middle of a show, I got to hang out with Mickey Mouse on a regular basis, I got so many Chipmunk kisses, I fell in love, I ate mediocre food next to my friends while pretending it was In n Out burger, I dodged a hurricane in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean on a guest-less ship, I ate too much thai food with my roommate in Toronto while attempting to stretch on furniture, I surprised my family, I swam with dolphins and stingrays with my siblings…and today I said goodbye. Our life is composed of moments. Big or small. Happy or sad. Moments that we never forget. I’m running out of words to say other than thank you for this beautiful life. I will see you soon my friends. Cheers to 9 months of a life well lived and to whatever is going to happen next!
xoxo
Mags
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